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U and Me!

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"

Father to son after exam:"let me see your report card."
Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Three beggars were begging in New York City.
The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten bucks after one day.
The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted To take him to NASDAQ.
The third one wrote "e-beg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent their vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free professional consulting.

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
(Why would one take wife?)

One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what.......... he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut......

A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with he risk of being discovered.

A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer"